35 Things Men Shouldn't Find Sexy But Do

Here be a filler-article list I’ve cribbed from one of those men's magazines, to use as a filler-article list on my weblog. Handy, eh?
As the title implies it’s all about those little, irregular things that, though they may not be “sexy” in any intentional or overt way, are somehow… quite distracting.
I found it quite funny but didn't agree to all points so I’ve jettisoned the ones I don’t agree with (Joan Collins? The Virgin Mary? Leopardskin?), and added some of my own on the end.
Y’know, for fun.

Here's the amended list anyway, with my own comments added.

"35 Things Men Shouldn't Find Sexy But Do"

1. Barmaids (pass them on the street and you wouldn't look twice)

I think the bit in parenthesis is key here, and the same, of course, applies to waitresses, shopgirls, etc who I, and many men, do sometimes give extra attention to (be it smiles, flirtation or, okay, leering) merely for the role they are in. And, yeah, it’s not as if they’re always so attractive that you would pay particular notice to them out on the street.

2. Female newsreaders

Oh this old chestnut. I suppose we’re supposed to be watching soberly and detached from our loins when we’re being fed current affairs and serious ishooos, but even while we may take our newsreaders seriously we can’t help but become attached to familiar faces over time. I myself find my heart sort of sinks whenever I realise that K@tie R@zzall won’t be appearing on Channel 4 News, for instance.

3. Slightly fat tummies in crop tops

By “slightly fat” I think they mean the soft convexity a woman’s belly naturally has when it hasn’t been aerobicised to the muscle. In which case, right on brother! Feels nicer too.

4. Female colleagues bending over

This is sort of obviously sexy, but I take that it’s inclusion here is that it means “you should really be concentrating on your work, not letching at your coworkers”. But, of course, what can you do?

5. Women who hate us

Ah-ha. Sounds aaaall too familiar. Sigh.

6. Unconscious women in clubs

Err… Can I add girls fainting? It’s in more of an urge to look after them rather than a “right, let’s jump on her while she can’t refuse” thing. I hope. In which case I’d also add girls crying. It’s a vulnerability thing, which is quite potent.
(A friend added ‘Girls being sick’ to this, as in you hold their hair back for them. That’s on the same lines I suppose, yeah, though the whole ‘being sick’ part of the equation moves it to a too, too far distance from seXXXiness for me. I mean, RLY?)

7. WPCs

The whole women in uniform/as authority figure kink isn’t really my cup of tea, but the I’d admit the cuter ones can be distracting. I like it when they try to look all stern.

8. Helga in Allo Allo

Arf! For those that don’t know ‘Allo ‘Allo was an ‘80s wartime sitcom set in, would you believe, Nazi occupied France. When bumbling German officers, French resistance fighters and English spies begin to convene at a small French café run by a beleaguered comedy Frenchman who only wants a quiet life, “hilarity” ensues!
There was quite a lot of sex in it, actually - of the nudge-nudge-wink-wink variety. Lots of saucy French waitresses and innuendo. I remember quite fancying the female resistance fighter go-between, with her typically overstated Fruuuurnch ax-urrnt. But Helga, IIRC, was the rather timid assistant, or whatever, to the comedy SS officer, Herr Flick.
Thinking back now though, the relationship between the mousy, eager-to-please Helga - who occasionally ended up in her black lacy underwear for whatever (no real) reason - and the bossy, sadistic, leather greatcoat wearing Herr Flick, was the most explicit, though comedic, representation of a D/s relationship mainstream TV has ever had I think! In retrospect it’s sort of the funniest thing about the show now.

9. The automated voice on the Odeon cinema ticket line

Another one that often crops up: the clear, precisely enunciated if cold primary school teacher-ish tones of female automated voices. Not “sexy” exactly, but can be pleasing. The voice on the Jubilee line is a particular favourite; it‘s just that little bit breathy, could listen to her for hours.

10. Girls fighting

Hm. To a point, I suppose, yes.

11. Libraries

Something to do with the stillness, the calmness, the muted atmosphere. Plus, chicks who dig books: rowr!

12. Sitting on the bus

This is a vibrations thing, yeah? Plus all that time you spend daydreaming. A stiffy is almost guaranteed. And then your stop comes all too soon and you have to get off holding your bag in front of your crotch, or pulling your coat right around. Gah. Always!

13. Teachers who seduce their pupils (Ropey old boilers but we're jealous of the tykes whose 'innocence' they steal!)

Well, whether it’s male teacher/female pupil or female teacher/male pupil it’s that thing of someone getting to act out a common fantasy/taboo. Wouldn’t like it to happen to our child though, would we?

14. Visible panty line

Yeah, and visible bra straps. It’s just “that’s her underwear!”.

15. Nurses taking urine samples

Huh? I‘ve never ever been in hospital myself - other than to visit - but a friend of mine was a few years ago and when he was out cold a nurse had to attach a catheter to his penis, which we all found a bit… thought provoking. I ‘spose this goes under the banner of a nurse touching, seeing or having anything to do with your penis. And then there’re the apocryphal tales of nurses “administering” blow jobs/hand jobs/vagina jobs…

16. Girls hugging each other

Haha. Right. And girls holding hands. Girl-girl signs of affection, in other words, which are sort of perplexing and lovely to the male.

17. Condom instructions

It’s been a while since I read them, but I suppose it’s tied in with sexual discovery as well as slight frisson from the incongruity of reading sexual language on an instruction leaflet. I remember being ten or eleven and reading the instructions from a box of tampons, which really opened my eyes, but still left me with more questions than answers. Like the realisation that there was a whole secret world for females that I was not party too.

18. Shoe-shop assistants tying your laces

Another one at the very low wattage end of the sexual circuit board. Reading through this list I wonder how many are hangovers from childhood, where pleasant encounters and so on are translated into dimly sexual feelings when filtered through an adult perspective. Having your laces tied though: that spins you right back to nursery school years, but now mixed with having a young woman kneeling at your feet helping you and all that goes with that. It’s a crazy mix-up for sure.

19. Elves

Elves? Women dressed as elves with their tight leggings and false pointy ears? Or real, actual, imagined elves? I dunno, I think you’d have to be more of a Lord of the Rings fan than I am to fully appreciate the qualities a lady elf can bring you. But if I did have to choose between mythical beings to get off with - and who can honestly say it won’t come to that? - I think I’d probably go for a mermaid or something. Fairy, possibly? Bit small though. Or maybe even a wood sprite. I also have a sneaking suspicion that Medusa was a bit of a goer on the quiet.

20. Lingerie departments

I don’t think any man can ever feel totally relaxed in a lingerie shop. There’s always a nagging feeling that you’re trespassing on private territory, and that you shouldn’t be there. This feeling x100 when shopping alone w/o female company - all those suspicious glances from other patrons and the uncomfortable feeling of being surrounded by so much… frilly, lacy bits of material that barely classify as clothing. That’s not all, even after you’ve summoned up the nerve to go up to the counter and purchase something - while making loud noises about how you’re buying this for your GIRLFRIEND, you just know that as soon as you’ve gone they’re going to turn to each other and go “he’s buying that for himself”. You just know!

21. The stuff girls do when they know you're watching them (arse wiggling, "i'm not pouting" pout, hair tossing, clavicle touching, it still works)

Aren’t we men supposed to be attracted to those, unconscious or otherwise, presentations? Therefore it needs hardly be on this list. “Arse wiggling”?? Sounds a bit overt.

22. Ladies' loos (mainly because girls go in there to take their pants down. Amazing.)

No, mainly because, like #20, it’s a mysterious female only enclave, and who knows what really goes on in there? Something secretly female and unknowable to men, I’ll wager.

23. Tan lines

Fair enough.

24. Slow-dancing (must... not... get... stiffy... No, No! Noooo!)

Again, “shouldn’t find sexy”? The end-of-the-night slow-dance section in nightclubs isn’t called The Erection Section for nothing, y’know. But, okay, getting an obvious-to-everyone hard-on in a club is something you’d rather not happen, and does cause embarrassment. So, given that, fair enough.

25. The lower back

I’m especially drawn to those darling little dimples that appear above each buttock. Actually I find the naked female back to be wonderful all over.

26. Wonderbras (we really should know better)

Another one for the obvious list, but here they’re saying we’re dupes for falling for the obvious. Perhaps I should make a list of things I/we/men are supposed to find sexy, but don’t. Actually, that’d be fun, if much shorter. As I’m discovering, just about everything to do with girls is attractive.

27. Women filling cars up with petrol

I can’t honestly say I’ve given much notice to this phenomenon, but I’ve included it here for curiosity’s sake. Why would a man find this attractive, I wonder - is it because she’s penetrating something?? Good grief.

28. Girls riding horses

Mm. Nice get-up they wear too, isn’t it? The jodhpurs are especially fetching, but then there’s the boots, the little hat… very nice. Quite prim, but saucy. Do I need mention the fact that they’re also straddling and rocking up and down on a mighty stallion into the bargain? Nah.

29. Girls who actually request anal sex (Danger! Warning sign of psycho-bitch! Is it worth it? Probably.)

A glimpse into the mind of a men’s magazine writer here. Why would she be a “psycho-bitch” exactly? The implication is that we shouldn’t find taboo sex - which anal sex more-or-less still is I suppose - or those who enjoy it, very sexy; but we sort of do, tee hee! How shocking.

30. Women who smash crockery when angry

A fiery temperament suggests exciting sex, and that line about women looking beautiful when angry is sometimes true. Especially when they've spent the last thirty seconds bashing ineffectually at your chest going, 'I hate you, I hate you!’

31. Bare feet

I’ve included this one, and it’s specifically not from a foot-fetishists viewpoint. Although girls’ feet are cute, it’s not the feet themselves that I’m focusing on here, but there’s something attractive about a bare-footed woman, something that suggests a free nature perhaps.

32. Argyle socks or tights

As suggested by a friend to counter the above point. The Argyle thing might be narrowing it down to a very particular interest, but I take the general point about patterned socks, tights - primness can definitely be sexy!

33. Messy hair

I break this down into two categories:
i. Windswept hair: Recently a female coworker came into work complaining that her hair looked “shit” because the blustery weather had blown it all about. She was wrong; her hair had never looked better.

ii. Bed head: I luff long, straight hair on girls the mostest, but so often it can be very sleek and styled and just yay. That’s nice enough but it’s dead sexy to see it all tangled and ruffled, esp first thing in the morning when she comes down wearing one of your shirts, her hair all over the show. It’s endearing

34. Long skirts

Hurrah. Are short/mini skirts played? I’m tempted to say yes but of course it wouldn’t be true. We’ll always love them. But let’s hear it for the long - ankle length even - skirt. Back to the primness thing again, in a way. But to conceal can be more sexy than to reveal.

35. Women applying make-up

Yes, and checking themselves out in a mirror, especially craning their neck over a shoulder to look at the reflection of their arse when trying on a new dress. And - just so I won’t add another point therefore keeping it at a rounded 35 - women brushing their hair or, EVEN BETTER, having another woman brush it for her. On my bus to work some mornings two female college students get on, one of which obviously hasn’t had time to do her hair, so she gets her friend to brush it out and then plait it for her. I have to tell you, for some reason it never fails to arouse me (esp as it‘s in conjunction with point 12). But the particular rituals of female grooming are, on the whole, fascinating to behold.